Exhaustive Rules for the End Times

PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE CRAZY FOR BEING [[PREPARED.]]

THOSE PEOPLE ARE [[IDIOTS.]]

ONE DAY, THINGS WILL START TO GO WRONG, AND YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO [[NOTICE.]]

GET STARTED [[NOW.]]

CREATE A MASTER LIST OF ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED. MAKE TWO COLUMNS: ONE FOR NECESSITIES, ONE FOR ‘NICE TO HAVE’ [[ITEMS.]]

CATEGORIES SHOULD INCLUDE: FOOD, FORTIFICATION, SANITATION, WATER [[PURIFICATION.]]

THE FIRST SIGN WILL BE A STRANGE HUM IN THE POWER [[LINES.]]

WHILE THE ELECTRICITY LASTS, YOU ARE [[SAFE.]]

NOT EVERYONE WILL SEE THE [[SIGNS.]]

PUT ASIDE A FEW ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER EVERY TIME YOU BUY IT. ONCE YOU’VE RUN OUT, YOU’RE UP SH*T CREEK, AS IT [[WERE.]]

SOON THE POSSUMS WILL START [[SCREAMING.]]

YOUR SANITATION KIT SHOULD INCLUDE WHITE VINEGAR, BAKING SODA, BORAX, BLEACH, RID-X, GLOVES AND [[DISH SOAP.]]

AND THEY WON’T [[STOP.]]

POOL CHLORINE WILL WORK AS A BLEACH ALTERNATIVE, IN A [[PINCH.]]

WHEN THE DOCTORS DO YOUR MOLE SCAN, THEY WILL PAUSE FOR A LITTLE TOO LONG WHILE LOOKING AT EACH [[ONE.]]

YOUR NEIGHBOURS WILL DENY THAT IT’S HAPPENING UNTIL IT’S ALMOST [[LAUGHABLE.]]

REMEMBER THESE WORDS: WHEN SOCIETY BREAKS DOWN, SO DO PEOPLE. WHEN PEOPLE LOSE EVERYTHING, THEY HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE, AND THEY [[LOSE IT.]]

YOU’LL WANT THE BIGGEST TENT THAT PACKS DOWN TO THE SMALLEST POSSIBLE [[SIZE.]]

IT WILL NEVER BE QUITE WHAT YOU EXPECT. IF YOU ANTICIPATE A FLOOD, IT’LL BE A FIRE. IF YOU PREPARE FOR A WAR, IT’LL BE AN [[AVALANCHE.]]

DON’T FORGET YOUR PETS! STOCK UP ON PET FOOD, FLEA AND TICK [[MEDICATION.]]

NOTHING WILL HAPPEN FOR THE LONGEST TIME, AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL HAPPEN ALL AT [[ONCE.]]

KEEP YOUR TOILET AWAY FROM YOUR LIVING QUARTERS, ESPECIALLY IN RAINY AREAS. NOBODY NEEDS YESTERDAY’S DINNER SLIDING INTO TODAY’S [[BEDROOM.]]

THE LIGHTS IN PEOPLES’ WINDOWS WILL GO FROM HALOGEN TO TORCHLIGHT AND [[FIRELIGHT.]]

THE WATER WILL RISE SO SLOWLY YOU WON’T EVEN NOTICE UNTIL YOUR SOCKS START [[SQUELCHING.]]

IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY, LEARN TO [[SWIM.]]

WHEN THE GOVERNMENT DECLARES MARTIAL LAW, EVERYONE WILL PANIC EXCEPT [[YOU.]]

IF YOU DON’T HAVE ALL OF THE INFORMATION, [[IMPROVISE.]]

REMEMBER THE RULE OF THREES. YOU CAN LIVE: 3 MINUTES WITHOUT AIR. 3 HOURS WITHOUT SHELTER. 3 DAYS WITHOUT WATER. 3 WEEKS WITHOUT [[FOOD.]]

ALLOCATE ONE GALLON OF WATER PER PERSON PER [[DAY.]]

BABY WIPES CAN ALSO BE USED TO START [[FIRES.]]

3 MONTHS WITHOUT HOPE? OR [[3 YEARS?]]

LEARN TO BE SUSPICIOUS OF SNEEZING. IF YOU’RE SICK, YOU’RE [[DEAD.]]

OTHER THINGS CAN BE USED TO START FIRES, BUT [[NOT YET.]]

IF THE SUN DISAPPEARS, THE SITUATION BECOMES MORE [[COMPLEX.]]

THE BANKS WILL COLLAPSE. CREATE AN EMERGENCY FUND WITH SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS IN CASH. THIS WILL HELP WITH [[BRIBERY]].

MONEY RELIES ON EVERYONE AGREEING THAT IT IS WORTH [[SOMETHING.]]

YOU CAN USE ALL OF THOSE WORTHLESS COINS TO SIGNAL TO EACH OTHER ON SUNNY DAYS, OR TO SKIM ACROSS [[WATER.]]

COLLECT ITEMS TO BARTER: CLEANING SUPPLIES, CIGARETTES, ALCOHOL, TOOLS, [[AMMO.]]

IF YOU HAVE A LIGHTER, YOU ARE [[POWERFUL.]]

IT IS EASY TO STEAL A LIGHTER FROM SOMEONE WHO ISN’T [[LOOKING.]]

IF YOU CAN’T BUILD A FIRE, YOU’RE GOING TO NEED SOMETHING WARM TO [[HUG.]]

IT’S EASIER TO LOVE A DOG THAN A [[CAT.]]

ADOPT AN EXPRESSION OF JADED [[READINESS.]]

THE GASOLINE WILL BE EXPENDED QUICKLY. DON’T EXPECT TO RELY ON [[VEHICLES.]]

ALWAYS BE ON YOUR GUARD. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO IS QUIETER AND MORE DEADLY [[THAN YOU.]]

KARATE IS LESS HELPFUL THAN YOU WOULD [[IMAGINE.]]

YOU CAN MAKE A WEAPON OUT OF ALMOST [[ANYTHING.]]

THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE TO HURT SOMEONE, IT WILL FEEL [[BAD.]]

A WORKING GARDEN IS ESSENTIAL TO PREPARE BEFORE EVERYTHING BREAKS DOWN. BUY AND STORE HEIRLOOM [[SEEDS.]]

SOON IT WILL START TO FEEL SOMEHOW GOOD. SOMEHOW [[RIGHT.]]

HUMANS ARE REMARKABLY [[ADAPTIVE.]]

YOU WERE NEVER A GOOD [[GARDENER.]]

YOU SHOULD CREATE A CODE OF MORALS FOR YOURSELF, AND THEN [[BREAK IT.]]

YOU WILL BECOME ACCUSTOMED TO THE SHAKING OF THE [[EARTH.]]

LARGE GROUPS ARE BOTH VULNERABLE AND [[SECURE.]]

YOU WILL NEVER STOP HAVING CRUSHES ON PEOPLE, NO MATTER HOW SCARED YOU [[ARE.]]

ALWAYS CARRY A CAN [[OPENER.]]

IT ISN’T UNTIL CRUNCH TIME THAT YOU’LL REALLY UNDERSTAND WHO YOU LOVE AND WHO YOU COULD [[ABANDON.]]

GRUBS ARE SURPRISINGLY HIGH IN FAT. YOU CAN SWALLOW THEM JUST LIKE A PILL, IF THE CRUNCHING CREEPS YOU [[OUT.]]

IF SOMEONE IN YOUR GROUP IS ILL, YOU WILL HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHER TO BE A HERO OR A [[TRAITOR.]]

YOU ALWAYS DID PREFER BATMAN TO [[SUPERMAN.]]

ONE DAY YOU WILL CATCH SIGHT OF YOURSELF IN SOMETHING REFLECTIVE AND NOT RECOGNISE WHO YOU [[SEE.]]

MEMORISE AT LEAST TWENTY JOKES. TRADE THOSE JOKES WITH THE PEOPLE YOU FIND. YOUR MEMORY WILL GET BETTER ONCE YOU CAN’T WRITE ANYTHING [[DOWN.]]

THE TWO MAIN KILLERS IN A COMBAT SITUATION ARE LOSS OF BLOOD AND NOT BEING ABLE TO [[BREATHE.]]

COLLECT TOURNIQUETS AND NASOPHARYNGEAL AIRWAY [[TUBES.]]

NOBODY WILL KNOW WHAT A NASOPHARYNGEAL AIRWAY TUBE IS, NO MATTER HOW MANY CIGARETTES YOU OFFER [[THEM.]]

PEOPLE GO BLUE SO [[FAST.]]

LEARN TO NAVIGATE BY THE [[STARS.]]

FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS ARE HANDY FOR MORE REASONS THAN YOU WOULD THINK. YOU KNOW WHAT SOAKS UP BLOOD REALLY WELL? [[TAMPONS.]]

PANIC IS A RATIONAL [[RESPONSE.]]

YOU ALWAYS EXPECT DOCTORS TO BE IN DEMAND WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART, BUT IT’S THE DENTISTS WHO HOLD THE REAL [[POWER.]]

IT IS RIGHT TO BE [[AFRAID.]]

WHEN THE STARS GO OUT, FIND A [[COMPASS.]]

IF THE MAGNETIC FIELD HAS SHIFTED, JUST FOLLOW YOUR [[NOSE.]]

FISH ANTIBIOTICS WORK FINE ON [[HUMANS.]]

EXCEPT WHEN THEY [[DON’T.]]

YOU PROBABLY KNOW ALL THE LYRICS TO ‘BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY.’ TIME TO LEARN SOME MORE SONGS, IF YOU VALUE YOUR [[SANITY.]]

JUST BREATHE OUT. NOTICE HOW LONG IT TAKES. WORK ON MAKING IT TAKE [[LONGER.]]

HUNGER GETS INTO YOUR BONES [[SOMEHOW.]]

IDENTIFY A PACKAGED TREAT THAT YOU WOULD KILL [[FOR.]]

[[KILL FOR IT.]]

WHEN YOUR NAILS GROW LONG ENOUGH, YOU’LL STOP BEING ABLE TO PICK YOUR NOSE. PRACTICE CLOSING ONE NOSTRIL AND BLOWING HARD TO RELEASE [[SNOT.]]

EVERYONE YOU LOVE WILL DIE, AND YOUR LOVE WILL NEVER [[SAVE THEM.]]

YOU’LL LOOK AT YOUR HANDS AND THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY USED TO HOLD, AND WHAT THEY HOLD NOW, AND YOU’LL FEEL SO FAR FROM [[YOURSELF.]]

THINGS YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD NEVER DO BECOME POSSIBLE [[EVENTUALLY.]]

IT’S EASIER TO EAT A DOG THAN [[A CAT.]]

YOU’LL STOP FEELING THE NEED TO [[EULOGISE.]]

PRACTICE CLOSING YOUR EYES AND LISTENING TO SEE IF YOU CAN HEAR HUMAN MOVEMENT. PRACTICE IN THE WOODS, AT THE BEACH, ANYWHERE YOU [[CAN.]]

KEEP YOUR BRAIN SHARP BY TRYING TO REMEMBER YOUR [[TIMES TABLES.]]

ONE DAY YOU WILL LISTEN AND YOU WON’T HEAR ANYONE [[ANY MORE.]]

THIS IS THE SOUND OF [[SUCCESS.]]

OR [[FAILURE.]]

ON THE PLUS SIDE, YOU CAN PASS WIND WHENEVER YOU LIKE AND NEVER FEEL [[EMBARRASSED.]]

YOU’LL FORGET WHICH ANIMALS HAD ANTLERS AND WHICH [[DIDN’T.]]

YOU’LL FORGET [[MOST THINGS.]]

WHICH IS A [[BLESSING.]]

SOMEONE HAS TO BE THE LAST HUMAN [[ALIVE.]]

MIGHT AS WELL BE YOU.

PLASTIC BOTTLES OF WATER LEFT IN THE SUN WILL EVENTUALLY BECOME [[DRINKABLE.]]

YOU’VE GOT TWO OPTIONS: ‘BUGGING OUT’ (LEAVING THE AREA; GETTING THE F*CK OUT OF DODGE) OR ‘HUNKERING DOWN’ [[(RIDING OUT THE STORM).]]